I’ve always had pretty painful periods, ever since I was a teenager. Which led to me being put on the pill as a teen to manage the symptoms. Like many young women, this worked really well and because it did, I didn’t ask questions, I just took the little miracle tablet and carried on with my life.
Then after a year living my best life in New York, I started to get excruciating headaches, at least once a month - they didn’t seem hormone related, admittedly, more cheap white wine related. But damn they would knock me out. When I got back to the UK and when to refill my pill prescription, they told me that the headaches were a sign that I was now at a high stroke risk, so take these other ones instead.
No explanation of what they were or how to use them. Of course, a sensible person would Google or read the pack, but I was just told to take them as I currently did, so I did.
Fast forward a month, I’d moved to London and was trying to live my next best life. I was suddenly WHACKED with the worst symptoms ever. A week of “period”, a week of migraine, a week of “period”, a week of migraine. This went on for about three months, then the doctor sent me for a brain MRI (and questioned absolutely nothing about my contraception).
This was around the time of male contraception testing, where they were crying about headaches and cramps. Honestly, that was the last straw for me. I came off my pill the day after I read a couple of articles about how men weren’t expected to put up with that pain, or those symptoms. But for decades women were.
Literally overnight, my symptoms went away.
Then within a few months, the pain was back too.
Over time, I have learnt that the more stressed I am, the poorer my sleep and the worse my diet - the worse my symptoms. [Not rocket science, I know] So my training, sleep and nutrition are pretty well dialled in to save a nightmare week each month. The hardest for me to manage is the stress, because honestly, I always want to be busy, I want to be pushing myself, I want to feel accomplished. And I really can’t sit still to save my life. I do know now, that if I take a couple of slower work days, or drop down my training intensity and volume, then my period pain is much better.
The latest revelation, that I really am not enjoying however, is the symptoms around ovulation. In the last few years I’ve read more about the mental symptoms of ovulation and it leading to greater self doubt and imposter syndrome. [If you haven’t already, check out Maisie Hill to learn more about what’s happening in your body].
When I first read about it, I’d just started coaching and I started to notice that my imposter feelings were definitely heightened around ovulation. It made sense that suddenly, at the same time each month I wondered if I was “cut out for this life” and “WTF was I thinking that I could stand up in front of a room and tell people what to do and have any level of knowledge or authority to do it”.
But this would come and go, some months it wouldn’t happen at all.
In the last six months, as I’ve taken the leap to fully self employed life and the stakes feel a little higher - but also the opportunity for the dream life is so much more in reach! I have noticed that each month the imposter syndrome and self doubt hits me like a BUS. A big red London double decker.
I wouldn’t normally share loads about this, but this week felt rough and I thought it would be worth sharing for other women who wonder what the hell is happening in their body.
Last week I felt like I was on cloud 9. We had some really productive conversations about where we wanted the business to go, who we wanted to help, how we wanted to do it and what we needed to do. I was pumped and ready to get going with all those ideas.
This week, I started to put into place some of the ideas. I started to build webpages for our upcoming talks (5 Healthy Habits for Life, Summer Nutrition Simplified and our LIVE Q&A), it looked great and was so easy - then it turned out it didn’t work.
My mental chatter: Why the hell do you even bother, what do you think you’re doing?
Retry to make them, accidentally delete it all.
My mental chatter: Honestly, what are you even playing at?
Retry and a section I need doesn’t exist on the template (because I accidentally deleted it earlier).
My mental chatter: Seriously, give up, the self employed life is not for you, go get an easy job.
I tried for three hours, and every time the negative voice came in, I tried really hard to tell myself that it was hormones and fear trying to get the best of me. This voice is not the truth. Honestly, it was winning. I was in tears trying to put together the pages. I sat there terrified of whether people would show up. I was wondering where on earth the woman that was strong and powerful and confident and RARING to go was from last week.
Then I realised I was ovulating.
Everything in my body feels sore and weaker - moreso because my brain is telling my body that it’s weak, not because it actually is. My mood is all over the place, but mostly buried low in the ground. My body is inflamed and bloated. I look at myself and feel heavy. Wearing the same clothes to the gym that I normally do, and feel strong and confident, I feel like a big sausage in a too tight sausage case.
So what did I do?
Honestly? I told Kieran I hated being female and asked if he’d still love me if I wasn’t female anymore. Not that I’d change to be a dude. I just didn’t want my ovaries. Obviously he laughed and said yes and we kept walking quietly. (Extreme? Yeah, I know).
But in reality…
I kept chipping away and trying to journal the thoughts that came up in my brain, I kept reminding myself that it was a temporary feeling and not who I am or how I feel, I went for a walk, I tried (mostly failed) to talk, I ate the dinner I had already prepped instead of the popcorn I wanted, I went to bed and started again.
The next day, I felt a little better. I got out in the sun ASAP. I moved. I tried to say kind things to my overactive brain.
I changed my training the next day to just stretch for 40 minutes instead of doing a strength session. I took away the intensity and the opportunity for my brain to be over critical. And I fuelled it with good food to keep it happy and moving along.
If you want some help with your nutrition and lifestyle, from someone who very much appreciates the challenges of hormones not always loving you, and self employed life often beating you down (and then raising you waaaaay up). Give me a shout, I’d be happy to chat and see how I can help!
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